I think I'll go to SERVE tomorrow. (for one session)
Sometimes I have excess energy and sometimes I lack energy.
Wish I had some good friends I can go out with anytime I want...
For 4 days I'd been stuck in Changi Airport.
I spent long hours stuck in one small room with 3 other guys, when I'm not on patrol.
Ok Geez I think I'm revealing a bit too much. I'm not supposed to. Confidential.
The first day was okay. I guess I can say it was cozy and I got to know 2 more people better.
I bought some book about the brain to read in Changi and so I read it.
And you know, reading about how a Baby is so attracted to his mother's voice, how people's eyes' tend to dilate when they see someone they find attractive (and in turn the person who looks at the dilated eyes also tends to find the person looking at him/her more attractive), how our eye direction and stuff reveal emotional states, our mind's ability to infer the thoughts of others - theory of the mind so that we can communicate with people --- made me think of girls more..
Ahhhh I dont know why I'm revealing this but I've been thinking about girls a lot recently, for no apparent reason. And its a negative thing more than positive. "Negative energy"
The second day (last friday) I was BoReD. We count down the time when we're inside the room.
After a while my boredom got deeper. Like some "sharp" or "intense" boredom. Like Emptiness. Sianz. It feels like shit. It cripples my faith/confidence in the Lord and in myself. Its extremely hard to stay positive during that period. I think normal people rarely experience this but I do occasionally. I was probably more vulnerable to it after that stupid "mental attack" a few days back.
Hm since much of what I write here in this blog has been about my walk with God, and I feel a bit uncomfortable about it, I shall say this. This negativity. A few days ago - in Changi - after doing my devotions I thought, how desperate should we be in seeking God? I thought if anyone befriend's me and gets close to me that person would think I'm a bit weird/crazy (because they dont know the depth of my pain)...
--- Aiya, I hope you're not judging me for that. My sense of what's personal and what's not doesn't work well sometimes, like in the state of mind I'm in when I'm writing in this blog. I usually dont take into account much how people will take it reading what I write. And some of my army friends may have discovered the URL of this blog since one time I went to blog while playing LAN ---
The goodness of seeking God I get in my life does not seem to match up to that said in scripture.
I felt unsettled for a while. About how my whole walk with God was going. Not at peace. But now I am at peace. In all things God works for the good of those who love him! (Romans 8:28)
Hmm now I'm thinking what I should censor saying here because of the younger ones...
Since JYM camp there's this battle going on in my mind. I've been stuffing myself with scripture.
Its like a roller coaster ride where every few days it changes. First I'm winning, then I'm losing, then I'm winning, then I'm losing...
I'm holding on to Ephesians 6:10-20 about the Armour of God.
I'm going back to Changi again, tomorrow evening. Coming out on Sat night. I'll be burning the whole CNY. :(
But I'm cool with it. See you all next Sunday. I'll be looking forward to Sunday.
Btw theres one draft in this blog that has been a draft for quite some time.
Eunice I read it already heh.
Kenneth
No comments:
Post a Comment