A moment of acute Psychological pain

I'm down again. I just got a "mental attack". I'm going to openly say that I go through this occasionally. Just now for a moment I didn't feel like living... I felt specifically that, in the midst of the torment that was going on in my mind. For a moment, I felt a sharp sense of loneliness as well.

Its scary how I get these mood swings...and these specific periods of chaos and darkness in my mind.

I find it extremely difficult to describe in a logical way. I can't relate it much to common experiences we go through. Here is a more intense version of what I went through just now: http://oak08.blogspot.com/2009/08/pain.html

It doesn't all end when the "mental attack" is over. When the attack ends, I'm left weak and vulnerable. The stench of the horror of the attack lingers on for a long time, days or weeks.

Some people may think I put much effort into reading God's word or something to do with obeying God. At least thats what I sometimes get in Christmas cards.

I have to say that its not natural. The main motivation for me in disciplining myself to keep in tune with God is the relief from deep suffering. The overwhelming weight, uncontrollability and irrepressibility of the suffering constantly compels me to seek God.

Actually for this attack I can share what thoughts I had that probably led to that "mental attack" but I find it too personal to disclose... some of it.

I was troubled somewhere between 1st-2nd week of January. I was scared of not being in tune with God, not doing God's will for my life (I talked about it on this blog). On 16 Jan, Sun, during JYM worship I think I sensed God's peace (in a "quiet", "soft" way) along with the message that I shouldn't worry about not doing God's will. Its just a phase I have to go through. (I'm not sure if the previous sentence was made up by myself).

I hope its just a phase...

I struggle to live in victory. Why are the "wiles" of the devil always so hard against me?

I must take captive every thought (2 Corinthians 10:5) and think positive (Philippians 4:8).

Kenneth