just an update?

Hi Oriole.

I'll just look into my Journal and write roughly about my life this first two weeks of 2011.

Argh I'm having some trouble writing here. I'm itchy all over.

I just realised that within the last one hour of using my computer, I've gotten 5-10 mosquito bites.

Okay that wasn't from my journal but what I'm going to write now (some of it) is.

On Monday, 4 Jan, I went to watch Narnia (the first Narnia movie I watched) with my relatives. Er, 3 females actually haha. Two cousins and one Aunt (who was a surprise guest). "Enough said". The movie was simple but it challenged me. To stand strong against evil.

The most important of my new year resolutions would be to:

1. First have a constant steadfast trust in God and learn to "Trust in God fully".

2. Second to stop (or lessen) thinking and talking about negative thoughts about myself.

On that same monday I went back to army, after a short December break and it felt nice actually. Felt like first day of school, saying hello to everyone. But the next day few days were BoRiNg. And I didn't have proper quiet time though I had time. Bad. I was conscious but stumped about Pride the whole week.

By the time Sat. came, I was troubled and unsettled. I was scared. Not sure why. On sunday I was glum. I sang for JYM, and it was a challenge to not give some negative impression through my body language or expressions because I particularly do not like to put on a front.

I was thinking of it during the Leaders' Commissioning time. I remember Pas. Henry sharing that he thought how wonderful it would be if we don't serve just with our strengths, what we are good at and hide our weaknesses. He received a Christmas card from someone who said she appreciated what Pas. Henry shared on the 2nd night (I think) of JYM camp. And Pas. Henry said "Be vulnerable" to one another (he was talking about care and fellowship). So I asked myself, to what extent was I supposed to show my "sianness" during worship? I felt lousy about myself. (it wasn't just about that instant of singing in JYM. For one thing, I'm not a leader in JYM or Army.) Its my whole ... like ambition? Everyone wants to achieve something. But I look at my character and shake my head...

That was what I was thinking about in just before cell group time last week.

In Cell group I had a short relief from it somehow but after that it became worse.

I felt so defeated. Like the seeds which landed on thorns and get choked. (parable of the sower)

I was down and it went on for the earlier part of this week. There's one guy in my platoon who recently likes to say a lot of bad stuff about me to me. Irritating. I was thinking of whether I should reveal what was said but I decided I shall not.

And there's a Christian also in my platoon who ... im not in very good terms with. And I can't find anyone in army that I can trust enough to share my feelings with...

Things soothed down the past few days.

I invested more time on the word of God this week. And maybe that was it. I suffered because I did not have my daily bread for a few days... (just maybe...)

I bought my first devotional book (Christian book used for devotions) on sunday: My Utmost For His Highest. Its not so easy to read.

1 Peter 5:7 is what I've been clinging onto past few days: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Oh I just refreshed the blog and saw Claud's post. I started earlier than her (so my post is put earlier but I published later).

And wow I got a lot of imagery from reading that. And, nice post.

Keri, I may not have felt "darn competitive, like very competitive. Like deep inside... you wanna do so well and beat everyone." but it was certainly natural (like Ivan) for me to want to be better than others, especially in JC. Even in church sometimes, I think of where I stand... When I think of it I usually dismiss it as bad, prideful thoughts and try to ignore it. But its always there, somewhere. Grades for exams affected me quite a lot less than my scores relative to others.

Good night.

Kenneth